Here’s a little piece of microfiction for your enjoyment. Although some optimists may disagree, I’m convinced it will never be accepted for publishing elsewhere, so here it is, bound by the blogosphere:
Flip Bondy was a fine young innovator. He was a go-getter and family pets enjoyed licking him. His parents bought a second fridge when he was a child, just to show off his good grades. Flip Bondy was bound for success. After all, he ate his toast with the butter side up.
It was his lucky day in 2020 when NASA chose him to develop the adhesive to hold together the most important spacecraft mankind has ever built. It was to be a marvel of modern technological design. The idea was ambitious. We were to launch all of our planet’s garbage, nuclear waste, Bluetooth headsets, junk mail, hair metal, shoe pebbles, apple cores, etc. etc. deep into space to be forgotten about and never spoken about again.
It took six years of hovering over various glue samples at his desk, careful formulation, rigorous testing, and hovering over even more glue samples to develop the adhesive. Despite his terrible headache, it was clear that his efforts paid off. On March 15th 2026, Adh-Easy X-Treme HappyMagic X-Core was ready to hold together man’s most important undertaking. Flip Bondy was elated. The press lauded him for his efforts and pretty women asked him on dates. In four years, Clusterf*** I, as the spacecraft was affectionately named, was on the launch pad.
On March 15th, 2030, the world looked on with wondrous, optimistic eyes and gleaming smiles. From this day forward, the world would be free of fruitcakes, fanny packs, splinters, DMVs, clothing tags, flat tires, unopenable soy sauce packets, etc. etc. Mission control began the countdown. Five—four—three—two—one—Clusterf*** I lifted off the ground seamlessly and for the first time, the world was completely burden free. A split second later it erupted into the most expensive, most toxic and most inconvenient fireball in history.
The whole surface of the planet was littered with AOL CDs, isotopes, used tissues, drunk uncles, burnt chips at the bottom of the bag, etc. etc. Scientists in caves peeled scented JC Penny flyers from their faces and deemed the earth unlivable, the water undrinkable and the air unbreathable. Lucky for everyone, the fine young innovator, Flip Bondy was busy at work. Within weeks, he invented a world renowned oxygen system for people’s subterranean homes. At last, the people of the world could stop holding their breaths. Things were looking up for Flip Bondy until he one day, still high on glue, forgot to pay his oxygen bill. He died face down on the buttery side of his toast.
ill-literate 