Class of 2009 better get on their knees, and pray.

Here’s the deal, everyone’s all over the moon that they’re about to graduate. They can’t wait to put on their square cap, throw on an unflattering gown, sit through a ceremony that could cure insomnia, and then shake some random loser’s hand who hands them a blank piece of paper while smiling widely as their loved one’s snap akward photos of them in the worst hat ever.

Your family buys you a dinner, and maybe even hands you a Hallmark Card full of cash. The cash goes in the wallet, and the card goes in the trash can. Then you go to a party, and have a couple drinks in celebration of your recent achievment. Oh who are we kidding? You get completly smashed. I’m talking the kind of drunk where your wearing a lamp shade on your head while dancing (and singing) to Cyndi Lauper’s Girls Just Wanna have Fun. And who could blame you? You earned it!

Then a week goes by….

Your home. Your broke. All your friends have gone home, or moved on to independent lives with new jobs and romantic prospects. 

And where are you(me)?

On your mom’s couch watching reality television, and swigging back wine as you roll around in your filfth.

This economy sucks. Finding a job is like trying to find something good to wear at Fashion Bug. It’s got a slim to no fucking way chance of happening. 

Therefore, after I receive my degree in Writing this May (Please God, let me pass!!!) I have come up with a few career options. I think you’ll agree that these options are what writers usually end up doing when they can’t find work.

And so I give you “My career options after throwing thousands of dollars away on my education” and their plus-s and negatives:

1. Go-Go dancer

Plus: I get to keep most of my clothes on.

Negative:I have to listen to techno music.

2. Professional Alcoholic

Plus: I love alcohol.

Negative:I haven’t found a corperation that actually pays you to drink, yet.
3. Fake Bum

Plus:Free money in exchange for minor loss of dignity.

Negative: I’d have to be dirty and gross five days a week, and jail time is a possibility. 
4. Professional Soul Buyer and Seller

Plus: I’d get to own mad bitch’s souls. 

Negative: I’d probaly go to hell.

5. Incompetent Dog Walker (Job consists of me tying my customer’s dogs to a tree for an hour while I go to the bookstore and read Celebrity magazines for free.)

Plus: Best Job ever.

Negative: Someone could steal the dogs, I guess.

And there you have it, my solid job choices for after I graduate college.

Surely, these options will open up a bright future for me, and ensure my success, and an six-figure income.


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